


label

by pouty_hoseok



Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Confusing pronouns, Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Multi, Trans Character, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-10 22:22:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28374585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pouty_hoseok/pseuds/pouty_hoseok
Summary: Gender is difficult and Hongjoong is just trying to figure everything out.
Relationships: Kim Hongjoong & Song Mingi, Kim Hongjoong/Park Seonghwa, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 12
Kudos: 34





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> look y'all this is just a vent fic so I mean idk but it might be triggering there's a lot of dysphoria and this is just based on my experience so I mean it's up to you and I'm probably going to add to it sporadically so who knows yeah yee also hongjoong's female name is hyejin so watch out for that and his pronouns switch around a lot I don't know I'm projecting

To be honest, Hyejin doesn’t know when or how it starts. She thinks it comes from watching  _ Voltron _ on Netlfix and diving into the urban dictionary to find out what things like ‘asexual’ and ‘aromantic’ mean. She finds herself wandering toward the matter of gender and then, suddenly, something seems to change.

She finds herself using genderless pronouns in the summer. Only in her head, of course, because Hyejin is dead  _ terrified _ of what could happen if she was honest. There’s a tiny little voice in the back of her head, telling her to simply ask because her parents and brother are sure to be okay with it, right? After all, she’s grown up with very open parents who have plenty of gay friends. So they wouldn’t mind if Hyejin maybe wasn’t cis, right?

It begins to grow and change, though, with each passing day as Hyejin grows more and more unsure of her gender. A mix of male, female, and genderless pronouns becomes only genderless and male which eventually becomes  _ only _ male pronouns. And then, as if a switch has been flipped, everything begins to feel wrong. Not  her his clothes, no, because he’s never thought of clothes being super connected to gender, but  her his body begins to look strange. The honorifics used for Hyejin are strange and his stomach churns at the sound of them. But then there are voices that argue with him, claiming that trans people want to be as far from their previous gender as possible. 

(Hyejin doesn’t know that for sure. He’s seen things on the internet where trans people say they still feel fine wearing dresses or skirts. It’s not like he can just go up and ask a trans person, though.)

He (or is it she? Is she maybe doing it for attention? That’s what Chaewon said when he told some of their friends about being bisexual. Chaewon, Hyejin’s twin sister, said it was either real or she was saying it because she wanted it for attention. God, he doesn’t know anymore. He doesn’t know, he doesn’t anything anymore, it all hurts to think about) is also terrified of whether or not he’d like his body after. He’s seen people after they transition and he doesn’t know if he’d want his body to look like that. Hyejin hates her breasts, though, hates them with a passion that makes her cover them up and hate her stupid bathing suit and hate being out in it when she doesn’t have a shirt to cover up. She hates them because they’re too big and they suck and she wishes she didn’t have them. He hates his breasts and he wants them gone. 

(But he’s not sure how he’d feel if they were gone. He wants to get a binder to start out because he doesn’t know if he’ll ever be sure if he’s truly trans or not.)

Telling his mother does not help. Hyejin and her mother are close, always have been. They understand each other well, have always been in tune with each other’s thoughts and feelings. 

At least, until now that is. 

“I just think that’s you’re too feminine to be like that,” her mother says. “Hyejin-ah, you’ve always loved wearing dresses. You always liked pink and were always so - so  _ feminine _ . And I don’t take this the wrong way because I accept you if you really are, but you’re just - let’s not jump to conclusions, okay? I don’t want you to do anything you regret.” 

Hyejin’s tongue is heavy in his mouth as he nods slowly. He feels sick.  _ She _ \- according to her mother - feels sick. She wants to cry and scream but she also hates this conversation because it’s far from the first time they’ve had it and far from the first time she’s silently and maybe (hopefully) accidentally rejected it. Hyejin can remember the words fed to him, first on a silver spoon and now shoved down his throat. 

_ “That’s a big decision, Hye.” _

_ “You’re emotional right now, let’s not go crazy.” _

_ “I remember when I was your age, I had all of these crazy ideas - well, they weren’t like  _ this _ because we weren’t - it was never thought of that this was a thing, but Hye, you and I are so similar. We both have all of these crazy ideas, huh?” _

And now . . .

_ “You’re too feminine.” _

The words ring in her head as she bids her mother goodnight and heads to bed. He feels sick and wants to cry. The night becomes a blur and Hyejin lies in bed, making himself a ball as tears silently drip down his cheeks. He feels sick, he wants to go to bed and he wishes he’d never opened his stupid mouth. 

But, at least, Hyejin learns his lesson and he doesn’t bring it up to his mother again. Bringing it up to his father is out of the question simply because, well . . . Hyejin doesn’t know. Her father was the one who told him, when she’d said she’d wanted to “be a ‘they’” after confessing to almost killing herself a warm summer night in August, that making a decision like that was too big and he should think a little more. Hyejin wonders if she should tell them how much she’s thought about it. She wonders if she should scream it to the world that this is always on his mind because he’s always going to have a stupid pair of breasts that seem to laugh at him (in a metaphorical way, of course, because breasts don’t have mouths) whenever he stares at himself in the mirror. 

(It’s terrifying, really, though, because she always can hear Chaewon saying that it’s for attention. He’s terrified that he’s doing everything for attention because Hyejin is starving for someone to look at him and see him and stop talking over her and smile at her and interrupt someone else to say,  _ “Hyejin was talking.” _ But no one says that. It’s always Hyejin getting interrupted and forgotten and whenever he’s the tiniest bit loud to draw attention to himself, people always tell him to quiet down. Why can’t they realize that it’s her only way to be heard?)

It seems, though, that Hyejin’s only solace is in her best friend who recently moved out of Seoul. They lost contact for several months until Hyejin got a new phone and decided to text him. 

Mingi’s response comes so quickly that Hyejin is certain he’s going to cry. Mingi talks about how excited he is to be talking with him again. Hyejin texts back and Mingi reports that he’s gotten himself a boyfriend. He says he’s sweet and kind and he cares about Mingi and they have cute pet names for each other and that he’s happy. 

Hyejin wishes she could say the same. She at least can bring up her boyfriend person, a boy in her class who she’s known for years. His parents recently told Hyejin’s parents, since they’re close friends, that he was lonely and ever since Hyejin’s been sending him good morning texts with random memes. They call each other ‘bby’, something Hyejin did on her own accord when she felt a burst of bravery after sending flirtatious messages to each other for several weeks or maybe months. He seems interested in her and she’s interested in him, and he’s come out to her as bisexual, so Hyejin thinks he might have a chance. 

“I’m just - I know he’s into guys and girls, but what if he just doesn’t . . . I don’t know, I just - if I really am trans, I don’t know how I’ll tell him,” he whispers into the phone. 

Mingi hums. 

_ “Well, personally, I think that you should just listen to yourself when it comes to your gender,” _ he says. Hyejin hums.  _ “I mean, when it comes to your sexuality, you’ve gotten pretty comfortable with it since middle school, and, to be honest, I’ve always gotten bi vibes from you, but with Seonghwa-Hyung . . . well, he’s bi so you don’t have to worry about that, but I honestly don’t think he’d care if you were trans.” _

Hyejin bites his lip. 

“Mingi, I know you know that it’s not Seonghwa I’m scared about,” he says before he can stop himself. 

Mingi hums again. 

_ “I know,” _ he says.  _ “It’s . . . I mean, they didn’t care when your cousin came out as trans, did they?” _

“Mom said she thought it might’ve been because he wanted attention.” He feels anger bubbling up inside of him. “Mom said - God, I don’t even remember anymore. I’m just - she always talks about how happy she is to have all girls and I don’t . . . I don’t know what to do anymore. She loves having girls and she always talks about how girls are the best and so does Dad and I don’t . . .”

_ “Damn,” _ Mingi says.  _ “God, that’s rough.” _

Hyejin snorts, rolling onto her side. 

“Tell me about it,” he drawls. He sighs heavily, looking up at the ceiling. 

_ “Do you want me to start calling you ‘Hyung’?”  _ Mingi says quietly.  _ “You know, just as an experiment so you can see how it feels. I don’t know, just a-” _

“Yes,” Hyejin says, sitting up in bed. “Yes, yeah, I’d really like that.” 

He thinks he can see Mingi grinning on the other end of the line. 

_ “Okay,” _ he says,  _ “Hyung is it then.” _


	2. epiphany?

Hyejin is not a girl. Hyejin is not a girl. Hyejin is not a girl. Hyejin. Is. Not. A. Girl. HYEJIN. IS. NOT. A. GIRL.

(But he realizes, as he thinks these thoughts and writes these words, that the idol he’s projecting onto is a cis man. So, naturally, if he was to make this a story, this idol would end up being trans. And Hyejin hates himself for always second-guessing everything he does but when you’re emotionally abused for the good part of a decade, it’s hard not to. He just doesn’t  _ know _ .)

He begins referring to himself as  _ Jin _ in his head. And Jin is - Jin is an idol and he’s openly trans and bisexual and he’s in all of these groups and he’s magical and he’s funny and sweet and charismatic and Hyejin’s alter-ego. Jin is beautifully androgynous and he can be feminine without having to worry about people getting his pronouns wrong. He is the opposite of Hyejin and everything he wishes to be. He’s strong and powerful and compelling and everyone loves him. He is everything Hyejin isn’t. He is, in Hyejin’s eyes,  _ perfect _ . 

(The name Jin isn’t a coincidence either, and it’s not just because it’s a nickname. He uses it to retake it because the person who came up with it made him feel awful even though they never had any bad intentions like  _ they _ did. The person who came up with it, though, told too many people about his sexuality and how Hyejin questioned his gender. They sent Hyejin a letter when they changed schools and Hyejin was terrified and he’s so paranoid even though he knows they’re not like that and he blocked them just a month or so ago but he still had a nightmare that night where they texted Hyejin through their email and Hyejin is just so bad at not overthinking everything, he hates himself for it.)

There is also, of course, the problem of Seonghwa. Sweet Seonghwa who hasn’t been responding to his messages and hasn’t been  _ reading _ them because of course someone like Seonghwa would have read receipts on because he just wants Hyejin to know he’s seen everything and it makes him feel all warm inside when Seonghwa responds because he’s  _ Seonghwa _ and he’s perfect and sweet and shy and smart and everything. 

Hyejin sighs, closing his eyes as he lies alone in his room. He wants, desperately so, to go for a run, but he already has enough trouble walking up staircases with a mask on and he can’t stop constantly to catch his breath because that’d be humiliating. He thinks, maybe, that he could just - no, he can’t do that. He told his therapist that they’d skip this week because he doesn’t have anything to do so of course, nothing should happen. 

(And yet, Hyejin has just come to terms with the fact that it’s very likely that he’s trans and he is so absolutely  _ terrified _ that he’s opened his laptop to keep projecting onto some poor idol who doesn’t deserve this. He’s half-tempted to send a dm on Instagram to any of the idols he likes and just rant on and on about how he doesn’t know who he is and he wishes he could talk to someone and not worry about repercussions but he’s also dead  _ terrified  _ of putting himself out there like that so he’s happy to just type away on his computer and read sad screenshots on Pinterest.)

He, at least, earns a bit of confidence from quietly opening up on writing sites. The comments he receives make his heart flutter and his eyes sting with tears as he curls up in bed and reads them, finding freedom in his online persona who lives without the restraints of gender and is free to be as they want. Hyejin wishes he could do that in real life, wishes that he could run and run and run until wings sprout from his back and he can fly away from all of his troubles, never to be seen again. 

In the very least, he has Mingi. Sweet Mingi who gives him advice when Hyejin selfishly dumps all of his problems on him and asks for answers to questions Mingi himself might never have had to ask. Mingi simply tries his hardest, drawing from his experiences with his own sister, though even then Hyejin can see him floundering a bit. The time difference between them doesn’t help either, but Hyejin can wait. Mingi’s already doing enough by responding. 

(He’s not mad at Seonghwa, no, Hyejin could never be angry with Seonghwa. She’s just - she’s just a little confused as to why he suddenly went on silent mode and why he’s just . . . not doing anything. He just wishes he could say something. Hyejin doesn’t know.)

But, well, Hyejin supposes this is going to come to an end for now. He doesn’t like spending too much time with this, with working on this or stewing in these thoughts. He just - he’s half-convinced that it makes it more likely that he’s trans. Which, if he puts that in perspective, is kind of a stupid worry. He doesn’t know. He’s thinking that, maybe, who knows, if he can build up the guts to do it, he’ll show it to his therapist. Who knows? Haha. 

(He hopes he can.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hugs and kisses and thank you for the support!!!


End file.
